I've been lost.... Maybe finding the way back?

 So... It's been along time since I blogged... Along time since I felt. Shit hit the fan after that last post. The last year and a half have been a fucking shit show. I have not allowed my self to feel. I have not allowed my self to anything. I'll start with why I'm writing tonight and then go in to the shit that led me here. 

I have not been to an AA meeting in a long time like probably a year. My mom died on August 22nd 2021. I have not taken care of my self at all since she died. I am still sober! 20 months- 620 days! I use that as and excuse to abuse my body. I had quit smoking for two months when she died, had been drinking water, eating kind of decent and trying to be healthy. The only things that I have done for myself since she died is stay sober and take my meds. Nothing else has gone on during that time. I have been smoking at one point close to a pack a day, drinking entirely too much Diet Pepsi- think a 12 pack a day, eating shitty and just living. I have gained 30 pounds back weighing in at 271 today. I was so close to 230 again.... I can't tell you the last time I drank water or thought about what I was putting in my mouth. I woke up today feeling like shit - yesterday was the kids birthday and I at only popcorn and a bit of salad before 10 pm. Not on purpose. I woke up with stomach issues and a headache. I dragged myself to the fridge for my Diet Pepsi and then spent some time in the bathroom. I think coming out of there something snapped. I need to change. I spent all day cleaning and thinking if I stay on this road I'm not going to live to see my kid graduate or get married... 

Tomorrow I start - I have a plan to drink more water. Motivated by the price of Diet Pepsi and need to quit. I am going to just stop drinking it and take caffeine pills to ward off the headaches. I will taper off the caffeine all together hopefully over a week. If there is pop here I will drink it. There is no moderation - ALL or NOTHING always. I will start filling my water bottle tomorrow. If it's full of cold water I will drink it. Also going to start food planning, journaling and measuring again. I know how to do this I just need to fucking do it already. I am not sure how I'm going to get more active but I'll figure that out as I go. I want to be healthy I need to be healthy. The smoking- I have been taking the Chantix that I was prescribed before they recalled it. They say it can cause cancer.. ummm yeah so can the smoking. I have like a pack and a half left... Christmas is this weekend I don't know when I will quit I need to figure that out. Can I survive Christmas Eve with my moms family and no smoking- like just fresh quit? I guess I'll figure that out. 

Back to the time since I last wrote. My mom went in to get her cancer treatment, there was something off with her blood work- turns up she was septic- a bowel obstruction. She ended up losing most of her bowel like there was a foot left. She had little chance to survive that but did. At that time they failed to tell my family that there was no way they could do chemo anymore. So we spent until the middle of July in the hospital. My step dad and I went and spent time with her. Covid fucked with visiting but we did what we could. I watched the dog and we figured out shit to make sure life went on. I stopped going to meetings right after my last post. I did continue my IOP for a while but that was kind of useless. I found going to meetings and IOP were triggering. In July when my mom came home I pretty much moved in to her house. She came home on IV feedings and a hot mess of shit. She struggled a lot and could not care for herself. She was not eligible for nursing care - there was a home nurse that visited a couple times a week but that didn't help with making sure she was not falling or whatever. Mom was in pain and kept retaining fluid. No matter what they did we could not keep the fluid off she was admitted to the hospital a few times to have IV meds to remove the fluid but she was going down fast. The second to the last time she was admitted she was told they would not be able to do the chemo. I think that's when she gave up. They tried to stop the pain and do nerve blocks but that didn't really do much and the pain meds didn't help. The last time she was admitted we ended up bringing her home on hospice. Hospice was honest with us and said she maybe had a week. The damn hospital and doctors didn't have the balls to tell us. She came home on Friday and died on Sunday. We did get a hospital bed and all kinds of help from hospice for her coming home. I watched as the ambulance drove her up the drive way the last time. I spent most of the night before she passed up with her while my step dad slept. We had morphine and that seemed to help. When a nurse came in early in the morning they figured out that her body was shutting down and told us it could be a couple of days or a couple of hours. I left to pick my kid up from their dads house and she died while I was gone. I moved myself back home... And we went on with life.

School started shortly after that and we kind of got back to life as usual... Stepdad kept bringing the dog down to us and we just kinda existed. Step dad got covid right before thanksgiving and spent a couple of weeks in the hospital. I had to drag him in to the dr. He was so sick. We had Christmas Eve at my moms house and that went okish... Sad but ok. The winter went by slow kid had come out as bisexual to me in June and was hiding it from their father. I had a hard time dealing with this - not the kid but the ex husband is a pos. Anyway in Feb kid finally came out to him and that was interesting. Then kid told me they were non binary about the same time - did not tell dad. That has been a trip. We made the decision to move in to my moms house when school was over... My car was stolen as we were moving, lots of things but I need to go try to feel for a bit overwhelmed by this shit that I've been avoiding. 

Recovery?

 Today was another day... another sober day. I had to feel the feels and sit in my shit. This never feels good. I talked to people, worked my program and did my thing. I'm a squad leader for a meeting at a local Alano - pretty interesting. Getting to know this group it meets daily at lunch time. I like this group - they are my people. I go 4 days a week over zoom because I don't have time to go to the club with all the stuff I have going on in life. I'm still in Intensive Out Patient (IOP) 3 nights a week, see my IOP counselor once a week for a one on one session, see my therapist weekly, psychiatrist once a month and bariatrician once every 4 months. This is all on top of working full time and being a single mother to a tween. I go to 6-10 meetings a week, try to keep up with my sponsor and do all of the things. Because I'm an alcoholic! My world is all or nothing. I'm either jumping in feet first and giving it my all or running for the hills. I'm choosing the all in - that's the only way I will succeed. 

Recovery is fucking exhausting! It's hard! I can and will continue to do this but UGH I don't wanna. I want to live one day just as a normie - not possible it's my life and my disease. You can unalcoholic this alcoholic.(no mom I'm not just lonely - I'm a fucking alcoholic!) I hate the statement  "you can't unpickle a cucumber once you pickle it" but yeah no going back on this one. It stinks but I first have to admit my problem - if I don't admit there is a problem I will never get better. Today was a decent day - spent time with my kid and had some time to myself. Now off to IOP cause all in!

In the beginning...

 So, my parents were married about 2 years before I was born. We lived in a mobile home park, my dad worked at a candy company and as a handy man and my mom worked in the mail room of a large corporation. I think they were happy? I don't know I don't remember them ever being happy BUT- you see there were things that happened. My sister was born when I was 2. At that point we moved to a new mobile home in a brand new park. My dad opened his own business repairing mobile homes. I don't remember this but I guess I threw matchbox cars at my mom when she was holding my baby sister. When my sister was a 2ish she had something happen and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks. I don't get the whole story but she had a seizure and an allergic reaction to medication. That started off a childhood full of everything she ever did wrong blamed on the med she took? Yeah she wasn't a bad kid ha. I don't remember much from this time. I remember a car ride to visit my dad's family in north and south dakota- I remember this because I had to pee in a tin can on the ride. Yeah great memories right? Oh and we had a fishing game that we played in the car. I spent weekend nights with my grandmothers - they both worked at the same nursing home and worked opposite weekends so we switched off. I went to Muppets on Ice and that same night ran in to my uncle in the kitchen - I was just the right height to knock him over in pain. I had Lego and played with those and my Smurf toys with my dad. I spent time in one grandma's back yard in my under ware in a pool. I remember making mud pies, eating cheese singles at my grandma's house and chasing linoleum bubbles across her kitchen floor. That was all before she died from what was believed to be a massive heart attack at the age of 55 when I was 4. That's when the world changed. My dad became a dark depressed person and that only got worse about a year later when his best friend was killed in a tragic car accident. 

My parents fought constantly - NEVER a dull moment in my house my mom storming off or my dad leaving the house saying he wasn't going to come back. Nothing like a loving caring home - Let's add baby #3 - my youngest sister was born when I was 5. Again we moved shortly before she was born. I think I'm going to stop here I have some thinking to do before I dive in to these years- I remember them or at least more of details and it's not pretty. 

A bit about me to start...

A little of my life right now- I am a “professional” according to my employer, I work in higher ed. I am divorced and have one child. Sober- for today. Dealing with my dying mother, addiction treatment, debt, toxic family and my ex-husband. My life has been chaotic- depression, anxiety, panic attacks, death, abuse, trauma…. I’m going to use this blog to tell the story of my life – to help me heal and to keep on the right path going forward. Tomorrow a new story. I have many to choose from thinking I may start from my oldest memories and work my way through life. I need to discover me- who am I? We’ll find out together.

 

God grant me the serenity...

Today I have no control. I’ve given my life up to my higher power that’s the only way I will stay sober. I’ve tried other ways they just don’t work. I don’t have the greatest relationship with “God”. I have a higher power that is out there and takes care of me. I’m not quite sure what form the higher power takes right now and it’s ok that I don’t know. I still think there might be a “God” I just don’t understand it – whatever it is. I hope to find that "God" in the future - it's a process that I'm working through. Finding my "God" has plagued me in my journey. It was only when I decided that my HP can do what “God” can’t or hasn’t in my life. So for today my higher power has it- ALL of the things and will help me through this.

And it begins...

 I've got 2 months now! Sober for a bit feeling really good. This blog is where I will practice writing. I am a terrible writer but I have stories. A lot of stories and some are kind of comical. My life has been a roller coaster from bottom to top. I'm a late 30's female living in MN. I hope to help others stay sober and maybe share a few of those stories from life. Today is a sober day today I'm hopeful and grateful -- Tomorrow I'll share some of my story and a picture of where I am right now in life. It's messy and I need to let it out.